The Hardest Journey Is Now

Man On Deathbed

What’s more serious than your last few moments of life? To others, their lives are more serious and important.  To you NOTHING is more serious.  Nothing.

Those will be the moments when you cling to the nearest hand or anything else for dear life, thinking that by holding onto something earthbound, you may stay here on this planet just a bit longer. 

Ironically, the very few last moments of your life will be, unequivocally, the most important, life-changing ones.  But for most, they only happen when it’s too late. For the more fortunate ones, they have a near death experience and return to do all the things they wished they had done during their lives.

At the bottom of this blog post you’ll find a link to an article called, “Nurse Reveals The Top 5 Regrets People Make On Their Deathbed.” It’s worth a read. That photo up on the left, I also “borrowed” from that article. I couldn’t trace the original source of the photo, but it really screams of desperation.  Doesn’t it? My dear good friend, Dave Scarbrough, brought the article to my attention, so thank you, Dave.

Most of us don’t want to think about those last few weeks, days, or moments. They scare the piss out of us. When that time comes you will not be worrying over how many people you impress, what clothing you have in your closets, what you look like, who approves of your job, your lover, your friends, or anything else so superficial. You, like everyone else in that position, will be looking inward, wishing you had done a few things differently.

Can you imagine how horrible it would be to arrive at the finish line,
look back at your life, and think, “It was all for nothing.”

While we’re here, very much alive and kicking, we have those thoughts now and then, when a lover ditches us.  It was all for nothing.  All that time I put into him/her was wasted.  What was “all that time?” A few years? Twenty years? A few months? Weeks?  For others, that thought will come after they raised children who turn out to be ungrateful.  “It was all for nothing.”  And for others still, it might be something like fifteen years spent on a job, that in the end you lost because you were forcibly retired. “It was all for nothing.” If you thought that episode of all-for-nothing was bad, how bloody depressed and regretful and alone rejected you feel…. try now, to imagine a whole, entire, wasted life.

When I think about this, so many thoughts go racing through my mind, that I can hardly focus enough to finish writing this blog. Maybe the very final question for us will be, What did I do that really, truly mattered? Or, Did I make a difference in someone else’s life, or did I live only for myself?

This world that we live in has got us all so brain-washed into believing that we must DO, DO, DO, BE, BE, BE, ACCOMPLISH, BECOME, ACHIEVE, that in the midst of all of this madness, we forget to ask ourselves the next question: Does anyone pushing these Delusions of Grandeur really give a rat’s ass whether you, personally, become or achieve any damn thing?  Hell, no.  They push their ideas on you, about how great you should become because they’re selling something that they want you to believe you need in order to reach that place of greatness that they, themselves, are striving for.  Realistically, if they were that great and successful, they wouldn’t be trying to sell you anything, because they wouldn’t need your money or your approval. It seems that everyone out there is trying to sell us something! Think about it.

My thoughts, at this moment, are that we already ARE all that we need to be.  The titles, the clothes, the cars…those things are wonderful. Some get them and some don’t. But they’re only window dressing. They are not you.  They are only images and facades that you wear, but when you are stripped naked in your old, withering flesh someday on your deathbed (if you’re lucky enough to live a long life) none of those things will matter because you won’t even be taking that flesh with you. Some live very long lives, other lives are cut short for a variety of reasons, and others come out of the womb only long enough to feel the chill of a hospital room, before they return to the Source from whence they came. Bottom line is that none of us knows how long we will be here.

That’s why it is so vitally, critically important to dig deep into yourself NOW, while you are able, and try to figure out a few things that will bring you closer to seeing the real you that is begging silently for your attention.  When you consider that all of our days are numbered – all of us! — and  that we don’t even know what that number is, WHEN is it going to be the right time to do this???

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

1. JOB/CAREER

• What it is that I love to do so much, that I could do it for hours without noticing that time is passing?  (This is not something that you will do because you seek anyone’s approval.  It’s not something that is about how much money you will make.  It’s about answering the whisper of your spirit, that knows at a cellular level, why you are here and what you need to be doing to fulfil your mission.)

2. FAMILY

• Am I surrounded by people who make my life miserable, or people who, in some way, bring me joy?

• Do they understand me?

• Do they support my need to be my own authentic self?

• Do I support theirs?

• Are these relationships true and meaningful, or am I only here out of obligation?

• Is there any love and caring displayed openly in my home, or is it a me-first mentality here, too?

3. ASSOCIATES/FRIENDS

• Do they call me only when they need something, or are they there come hell or high water?

• Do they try to tell me what THEY think would be the best thing for me to do, to make THEM happy, or is MY happiness their primary concern, when it comes to what choices I make in my career, lovers, etc?

• Do they put down my ideas and ideals because they want me to fail? And, more importantly, do they secretly want me to fail because if I succeed, my success will shine a bright, glaring light on their own personal, perceived failures, and their lack of courage to follow their own dreams?

• Do I do the same for them?

4. SPIRITUAL

• What do I believe in?

• What do I WANT to believe in?

• Are my ideals and beliefs based on what my spirit knows to be true about me, or are these beliefs something I acquired by osmosis?  

• Those questions they may be the absolute, most important questions you will ask yourself in your final days.  Why not ask them now? Why wait till the last minute to pack for the most important journey of your life?  If you don’t know the answers, what’s stopping you from GETTING them?

5. BUCKET LIST

• Have you seen the movie, The Bucket List?  If not, I highly recommend it.  Again, why wait till you think you’re dying, to write up your own Bucket List of all the things you want to do before you die? Make a very, very long list.  They can be simple, little things like dancing in the rain (costs virtually nothing and all you need is rain!) or they can be complex, expensive things that you need to save up for, or they can be a combination of both.  Most of us have a combination of both. Write them down and then start doing them, crossing them off, or saving to make them happen, or both.  Simply writing them down and getting to cross off the simpler ones is very empowering, and spurs you onward to make the others happen too.

I started my Bucket List three years ago, and I can tell you that I’ve accomplished more and had more fun doing it in these past few of years than I had in the fifteen or twenty before that. Seriously.  I bought a 32 speed mountain bike three years ago, and so, it was only in my fifties that I finally owned my very own, first, bike.  How pathetic is that!  When I ride that bike I feel free as a bird.  I sing out loud, laugh, act like a kid on a sugar-fix and the whole world stares as I go by but you know what? Who cares?  It’s my reality, not theirs.  I’m happy when I ride my bike.  Are they? Are they happy, while they’re scowling behind the windshields of their vehicles, wishing things would hurry up and move so they can get to a job they hate, or in-laws they detest? Do they realize that every moment they spend trying to make time hurry by faster, they are wishing away their lives? What if they knew that ten minutes from that moment at the stop light, a truck would take them out in a head-on collision? Would they still be pissed off about waiting three minutes for that light to change while I ride my bike across in front of them….or would they want time to stop ticking then and there, so they could avoid that collision?  Just food for thought.

The thing is,  we’ve all been so friggin brain-washed to DO, BE, ACCOMPLISH, that if we think we’re not measuring up in those departments, then we write ourselves off as “failures.” So we live our entire lives doing what others want us to do, being what we think they will approve of, and accomplishing what we think will get us to that place where we have “Arrived.”  We wear down our teeth grinding them against the anguish brought on by surrounding ourselves with people who aggravate the shit out of us, and in the end all we end up with is bad teeth and high dental bills. Because haters, manipulators, dictators and whiners do not change.  They just don’t. Period. 

We become slaves to jobs that we somehow ended up doing for so many years because somewhere in the past, we got the idea that people are supposed to hate their jobs.  After all, most people do, right?  Over 50% of those who are employed in these times of economic difficulties, hate their jobs, while those who are jobless would gladly take them. We’re all fucked up, and no I won’t apologize for my language.  It’s part of what I AM.  Period, to that, too. People DON’T have to hate their jobs.  There are ways to be what you were meant to be.  It just takes balls like a cannon and the courage of Richard the Lionhearted to get up off our asses and change some things, to get there.  But we can do it!

Here’s the saddest thing of all, baby:  You “arrived” the second you took your first breath on this planet. You slid into this world loaded with confidence and the sure knowing about what pissed you off, what made you glad, and who you loved to hug. You screamed and kicked because the hospital room was cold and the doctor was rough. You sighed and stopped howling when your mother held you. You already knew those things at a cellular and spirit level before anyone started messing’ with your programming.  And THAT’S where it started to go downhill.

NOW is the time to revisit your authentic self.  Now.  The clock is ticking…

Now…the link to the article I promised you.  Please read it.  It’s a keeper. I’m going to make a desktop wallpaper out of it, INCLUDING that pitiful image of the dying man, as a constant reminder to myself of the things that really matter in this life, because you know what I think?  There is one hell of a difference between life and living. One is a no-brainer.  You’re here and you live.  That’s all there is to it.  The other is what you DO with that life.  That’s where the challenges and the joys, or the blockers and the misery, come in. You get to choose which it’s going to be.

Now, that link I promised…I was told that it was a faulty link and tried to correct it several times, but each time I tried inputting the correct url, it somehow ended up taking me to another wordpress page, so what I did was copy and paste the entire article below.  Please note that I do not take copyright credit for anything below, but it’s such a great article that I had to share it, so here it is.  (both the faulty link AND the article.) There is no signature at the end, regrettably.

(faulty) http://www.empowernetwork.com/Caroline/nurse-reveals-the-top-5-regrets-people-make-on-their-deathbed/

____________Begin Article______________

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives. People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality.

I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard. This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings. Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier. This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. When you are on your deathbed, what  others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

____________End of Article________________

Until next time, sisters and brothers,
Be blessed and be loved, give blessings and give love.
Zee.

Women Over 40 Wiggle Best!

Sela Ward - 50+ years old. Voted 11th (World's Sexiest Women)

The most wonderful shift is happening, and that shift seems to be happening globally, in the minds of practically everyone, in how we view women over forty. And rightfully so!  Featured here is Sela Ward.  Though she is over forty by a long shot (she’s over 50!) in my mind she is one of the most beautiful women on television.  Something about those smoky, sleepy eyes.  Another one is Jennifer Lopez, who is, I think, absolutely ravishing.

Let’s face it, ladies, we are all over the damn place, and we’re amazing!

I remember the day I turned forty as if it was yesterday.  Well, truthfully, my fifteenth birthday seems as if it was yesterday but that’s beside the point. I’ll try to stay focused here. The day I turned forty I was outside my apartment building, about to get into the passenger’s side of a vehicle.  I looked at my friend over the hood of the car and said, “From this moment forward I will never allow anyone to baffle me with bullshit again.  EVER.  The buck stops here, at forty.” The minute I said that out loud, I swear to you, I  felt as if a tremendous weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.  It was as if turning forty gave me an all-access pass to maturity, and to finally give myself permission to grow up, and to not be afraid of my own strengths and powers anymore.  I am not entirely certain why things changed on that day, but I will say this:  I don’t want to– and won’t — go back, even if I could.  I love being the me I am today.  I am 56 years old, turning 57 this year, and I wouldn’t trade this for any earlier version of me, or anyone else on the planet.  I used to comfort myself with “Age is just a number.”

HELLO!  Age is NOT just a number.  It’s my freaking BANNER that says I have been there, done that, and now I’m ready to try something that WORKS!  I am at a place where I seek my own counsel, listen to my inner guru, talk to my spirit, and know that the answers I come up with are ones that come from my own truths, not from someone else’s storehouse of experiences.  I have my own now, thank you.

I have arrived.

Ziana de Bethune at 56. Life and Career Coach.

So, having said all of that, I tip my hat to all women over forty today, because you’re still here, baby, and you’re still marching down that street with your head up and your shoulders back, even after walking through hell and surviving all of the curve balls that life threw at you.  Kudos!

Below is a list of fabulous websites and articles that I have compliled to motivate you and get you thinking on how YOU can celebrate the best years of your life:  Life after forty.

Fabulous  After 40

More Magazine

Women Over Forthy Health

Fabulous collection of images, well-known women over 40

Women Over 40 are the world’s most beautiful –  (based on People Magazine article) Forbes Magazine

Marriage and Women Over 40 – NY Times

10 Myths About Women Over Forty

Seventeen of TV’s Hottest Women Over 40

Why Women Over 40 Are Good At Math -  The Star.com

Have a bloody marvelous day, sweethearts.  You earned it!

Until next time,
Zee.

http://www.zianabethune.com
Ziana de Bethune | Certified Life & Career Coach.

New Years Gift For You!

To ring in the New Year, I have a special gift for you: Two gifts, actually.

REPORT: Why We Fall In Love, And Why It Falls Apart

Gift # 1.

FREE REPORT: “Why We Fall In Love…And Why It Falls Apart,” researched, compiled, and written  by myself and Linda Jonas, R.P., A.B.A. (Rehabilitation Practitioner with Applied Behavior Analysis.) What you will receive is sixteen condensed pages full of information that you may not know about the process of falling in love, and what happens to destroy it just when we think it’s going so well.  If one of your New Year’s resolutions is to never get involved with the same kind of man (or woman) again, why not try to understand why you seem to always choose that kind of person?Also in the report: Some great suggestions on how to change old habits that get in the way of forming a happy, long-lasting relationship.

Click HERE to download. You’ll notice that I do NOT force you to fill in a form with your email address so that I can send you the report in your  email, and then spam you later with offers of things to buy. My feeling is that if you like how I do things, you will return without coersion. Click and it’s yours. No strings attached.

PLEASE SCROLL DOWN FOR MORE FREEBIES.

Somewhere Between Monk And Madness

Gift # 2:

For those interested in the Mind/Body/Spirit Connection: “Somewhere Between Monk And Madness,” written by myself, is a semi-autobiographical guide that offers insights into finding your own spiritual truth in a world bombarded by materialism, and takes a close look at the current “manifestation craze,” and how it may be doing more harm than good.

As I see it, more “Instant Gratification” is just what an Instant Gratification World needs, right?

A blend of down-to-earth practicality tempered by Zen Philosophy. As a veteren author of several books, dating back to my first release with Meteor/Kismet publishing in 1993, I know that we must write from a perspective that we know very well, or that we have researched very well. You just can’t wing it. So with this in mind, please take note that this ebook is written from a Christian perspective because that is what I am.   However, anyone interested in the Mind/Body/Spirit Connection can get something out of this. Besides, even if you are not Christian, what would be so terribly wrong about reading from that perspective?  Knowledge is power.

 Click HERE to learn more about it, and to download your free ebook.

Finally, I’d like to take a minute to mention that the initial consultation for my coaching services is FREE. If you’re ready to make some changes, set some goals, and have a Certified Coach running the distance with you toward a magnificent change, connect with me. 2012 can be YOUR year!  To find out more about my Coaching Practice, please log onto: http://www.zianabethune.com

Thanks for stopping by and I hope you will return. If you have any ideas that you think will improve this blog, please contact me with them, and please write “Ideas For 40+ Blog” in the subject line. Talk soon, and HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE!

Corns, Bunions…or Corsets?

We women over forty, fifty or even sixty can no longer be clumped automatically into that threshold group that’s on the fringes of pre-geriatric care.  I personally do NOT buy my shoes at Naturalizers, or anyplace else that has “comfort first” as their slogan.  I want heels.  HIGH heels.  High skinny heels.   I don’t care if they’re uncomfortable.  I expect to sacrifice “comfy” for foxy, thanks. And I do not wear Aux de Dove Soap as my favorite scent.  Neither does my body cream come with the comfortable assurances, “relieves itchy dry skin, absorbs quickly into the skin, blah, blah, blah.”  I wear perfume that costs too much, smells like a dream and causes men to melt into door frames when they walk in, and I want my skin cream to leave a nice shimmery gloss to whisper softly and sensually that I am woman.  All woman.  I want you to forget about attaching an age to me altogether.  So when it comes to choosing whether I’m going to dwell on the discomfort of corns, bunions or corsets, I’ll take the corsets.

Fifty is the new thirty.  Or forty.  Or whatever they’re claiming it is.  In 2011, 66 year-old Helen Mirren was voted as having the sexiest body on the planet.  Salon.com writes, “When the gym chain LA Fitness polled 2,000 members on the sexiest male and female physiques on the planet, you’d expect renowned hotties like Nicole Scherzinger and this year’s It Girl, Pippa Middleton, to make the list. And they did. But who’d have guessed that Inspector Jane Tennyson would blow away the competition for the top spot? Or that 48-year-old Elle Macpherson would come in second, and 42-year-old Jennifer Lopez would land in fourth? And lest you thinking defying Father Time is for the ladies, the male list is decidedly unyouthful too, with Daniel Craig, Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt, David Hasselhoff and Simon Cowell all making appearances. Note to gravity: YOU LOSE.”  Dame Helen Mirren blew them all away with her #1 ranking.  Let’s hear it for the old broad….wait, did I say OLD broad?  Slap my mouth!If ever there was a time to celebrate being a “mature” woman, it is now.

Granted, it’s alot of work to stay on top of the game.  Nobody said it was going to be easy.  But truthfully, it’s no more “work” putting on the right clothes for my body type now as it was twenty or thirty years ago.  It’s no more work putting on make up or styling my hair.  In fact, I’ve got it down to a science from all that practice over the years.  It used to take me an hour to put on make-up when I was in my twenties.  Now it takes me twenty minutes — tops.  But here’s the thing, you see.  Back then, even though I was nearly “technically” perfectly built, and had no lines on my face, nothing and nobody on the planet could have convinced me that I was attractive.  My self-esteem sucked.  I was too busy comparing myself to other, better-looking young women to even notice what I had going for me.  The beauty of maturity is the confidence that comes with it.  I’m not as lean as I used to be and I do have a few lines and gravity is tugging at me in some place, but you know what?  Screw it! With aging comes an inner confidence that comes from knowing your deeper self, and in that place of knowing, you also come to realize that being beautiful isn’t at all about being perfect.  It’s about becoming the best version of  YOU that you can hone, and then…feeling comfortable inside your own skin instead of trying to squeeze into somebody else’s.  Skin isn’t like cheap panty hose.  One size does not fit all.

Let me tell you what I find really interesting.  When I was much younger, say in my thirties, I couldn’t get a man my age to show interest in me if my life depended on it.  Now I practically have to beat younger men off with a stick.  What’s that about??? I’ve been tossing that question around in my head for quite some time now and I think I’ve come to realize that back then, I was so insecure that I practically wore a neon sign on my forehead that said, “Scared, Needy Chick Lives Here.”  Nobody wants to be around someone like that.  Not even other women. Is it any wonder that I was dateless, despite the fact that I, theoretically, had it all going for me?   In my delusional youth, I was totally convinced that it was all about outer beauty, and since I wasn’t getting asked out, I automatically assumed that it was because I wasn’t beautiful enough.  That’s what we do to ourselves, and that is what society and the media has done to us as well.  But it is not so much about outer beauty at all.  More about that in a second.

The shift that comes with maturity — that knowing that you’ve become strong and secure in your own right — is an attractive feature.  It’s not surprising then, that there are many men out there who are attracted to older women, and wouldn’t have it any other way.  The reasons they state for this attraction have sort of something to do with appearance but mostly, it all boils down to their inner qualities and what they can contribute to the relationship.  Check out this article in iVillage.  22 Reasons Why Younger Guys Fall For Older Women.

It may sound as if I’m competing with the younger members of my own gender but I’m not. Been there, done that, thanks.  I embrace them fully, and I would be the first to share with them, what I have come to know from experience and from life so that they do NOT waste away their precious youths trying to be anyone other than who they are. To them, I would say that the point is to accept and love yourself for your own uniqueness, regardless of age, and to, in fact, remove age as a factor at all when it comes to what is beautiful and what is not.  It is not about age, color, size or anything outwardly at all, because regardless what “type” or “group” you would put yourself into, you can rest assured that there are many out there who already consider you completely beautiful as you are.  The trick is to convince YOURSELF of that because confidence is key.  When you have that, you have everything.

“Success is 20%  mechanics and 80%  psychology.” ~ Tony Robbins.

That quote is bang-on.  If you can dream it, you can BE it, so long as you don’t stand in your own way. That applies to how you feel about yourself, as well.  Whether you’re twenty, thirty, forty, fifty, sixty, seventy or even older than that, you are beautiful. As soon as you can wrap your head around that concept and accept it as part of your reality, you’ll see massive changes happening in your life.  You will become a happier person.  Someone who attracts others to her like a magnet.  If you are an older woman, don’t let your age stop you from getting out there and giving life a good, swift kick in the ass — with a pointy-toed stiletto. If you’re anything like me, you’re not nearly ready to give up your leather and lace just yet.  Here’s another quote.  This one by John Mellencamp:  “Growing up leads to growing old and then to dyin’…and dyin’ to me don’t sound like all that much fun.”

Alternatively, I would say that if you fall into that “mature woman” group and you take particular joy in complaining about your corns, bunions, itchy skin and so many other conditions attributed to aging, then sister, have at it.  More power to you.  Me…I’ll be squeezing into my corset and teetering along on my stilettos, so damn happy to be me in all of my marvelous self that corns and bunions are the last thing on my mind. I don’t have them because I told them they weren’t welcome on these feet…that they should move on because they’d have a more accepting Mama elsewhere.

Get out there and kick some ass.
Ziana de Bethune, CWC, CPCC, CRMT
Certified Life Coach | Certified Career Coach